Tuesday, May 13, 2014

Twenty Six Days Before Grace

She often looked at the lives of others as at the show she didn’t want to play. It was a storyline, distorted and fake, with predictable beginning, plot, and end, confining their characters to the suffocation of the heavy book covers, without any chance of ever feeling free and their own. She always wanted to have a complete life with a sense of purpose, but the one she lived so far, made her feel repulsive and detached. Rejecting uniformity and compromise, she was watching this, for her, strange phenomenon, of people molding each other in the forms suitable for their togetherness. It was the worst kind of degradation and manipulation of one’s soul – she thought - twisted picture of warmth and unity, uncertain experiment in happiness. So, she didn’t want any part of this so typical and calculable life experience. It was just a spectacle, so distant and unattainable. She didn’t know if she would ever be ready for it.

Defiant to the demands of life, she kept running away from her true needs. To her, they were just mindless and frantic echoes of anxiety and adversity. And she denied and rejected them like monstrous apparitions, jolting the image of herself. They were the major cause of the uninvited lethargy. To discard them meant to awaken the spark of desire for change. Constant change. It was the only thing that made her feel herself.

Suddenly, all this noise in her head stopped and she began to enjoy in the silence. After so long and relentless mind quest she had found peace in being with herself. She sat quietly and felt that bitterness and anger were leaving her. Nevertheless, some unclear energy, irrational hallucinations and dreams were accompanying her even when she was completely calm. She already felt an intimacy with them and seemed to be seeking the comfort of mind in these dream creations. With them she was never alone, and they were almost always faithfully serving her desires and kept her on the course she was comfortable with. They were sending an unquestionable message to everyone – this was her own world.
Or at least, it was like that until now.

And then, an unexpected multitude of thoughts from him spilled over to her. Who was he? What gives him the right to disturb her dreams? His thoughts were like army of invincible outlaws and the enemies of her common sense. Armed with deception and cunning, artists of fraud and undisputed rulers of manipulation, reinforced with the desire to enter her dreams, and place him there as the only solution for her destiny. How did he ever managed to get so far? He knew all her tricks. He was almost like the mirror image or the male version of herself. Yet, she wasn’t ready to accept him as her counterpart. Her world of dreams was just that – dreams. And he wanted to pull them out and materialize them in time and space. What nerve! What lunacy! He was either a bigger dreamer than herself or a reckless player in the game of life. He made her feel happy and complete, but the idea to achieve that in reality was too scary and a dangerous thought. She already felt the loss of herself, the collapse of the power of her imagination. She was being suffocated by her own love for this uncommon man.

Even if this conversion of dreams into reality was possible, her everyday life was far too common to fit such glorious dreams – she thought. One or the other would collapse. And in some ways, she even liked her life. Of course, it was nothing like her dreams, but it made her feel secure and in control. She never cut the cord with her childhood and that connection with her roots were a big share of the feeling of being the part of the whole circle of existence. She didn’t want to lose that connection. Not for anything.

And he knew all of that. Yet he was determined in his ambition. Of course, he was aware of all obstacles they were facing. But he believed in her dream. After all, it was his dream too. She kept him in there all her life. She allowed him to find her. And he loved her for it. He loved her eternally. But he thought that the world we live in would never get this far without dreams. It was made of dreams. Even the Good News came first in a dream to Santa Maria.

Their good news will come true as well… In twenty six days… in Santa Maria. He knew that.

(An excerpt from the book “Star – The Book Of Life” by Stevan V. Nikolic)

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